Today an R.N. gave me permission to finish off the last half of the ice cream carton. I also got the okay to stop exercising so hard. In fact, I could be jeopardizing my health by not eating the ice cream! Regarding the exercise, it’s not that I exercise so hard, but I think about it A LOT and, well, I don’t have to anymore. The combination of ice cream deprivation and extensive exercise is downright deadly.
Okay, it wasn’t exactly an R.N. Actually it was an N.R. (Newspaper Reporter), but you can see how I could get those two mixed up. The article said that a sixty-year-old man was swimming in the Snake River during a triathlon and suddenly disappeared after raising his arms into the air. It took authorities thirty minutes to find him because he sank immediately to the bottom of the river. The cause? No body fat. The article didn’t specifically say this was the cause, but I have done extensive body fat studies at my own personal expensive and my research has shown that, due to a healthy lifestyle, I do not sink. Ever. I have a nice little floating device right around my middle where it matters most. What would be the use of having it around my ankles causing me to float upside down? No, what I have could only be designed by God to help us “over-50-somethings” be safe in our water-aerobics classes.
How horrible it would be to have, say, a bathtub accident and no one be able to find me for over half an hour due to the fact that I sank to the bottom of the tub? Uh-uh. No sir, not me. If I ever have an accident in the bathtub, they will be able to find me immediately as I’m built like a bar of Ivory soap: 99% pure (give or take a few percents-you know how statistics work) and…it floats.
So burn your sports bra, sisters, get out that spoon and head to the freezer. It’s our only hope.
P.S. You may observe the need to eat the first half of the carton in order to have a second half to finish off.
P.P.S. Why would anyone swim in a river with the word “snake” written with a capital S, anyway? Probably a brain deficiency due to lack of some trace element found only in Haagen-Daz.